I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal
thoughts my whole childhood. My mom tells me stories about how when I got mad
or sad I started scratching myself. I scratched the word ‘hated’ into my skin
when I was around 8 years old. That was way before I even knew what self-harm
or cutting was. I never understood why I did it, it was just like had to, like
it was an addiction. It still is an addiction. Growing older and heading into
middle school I kept having these panic attacks, and the only way I could stop
myself was to cause myself pain. I turned to using sharper objects and it just
got worse and worse. My parents found out I was stealing their razors and they
treated me differently. If anyone ever saw my cuts they’d say I was asking for
attention so I got really good at hiding it and putting on a fake smile. I was
an outcast, I never felt like I belonged anywhere until I came to Crossroads.
After multiple suicide attempts, mental hospitals, and life or death
situations. I finally realized I’m not as alone as I feel. I learned how to
love myself and open up to new people. I found a home in Crossroads; I never
had anyone I trusted to talk to growing up. Yes it took me a few months to come
out of my shell when I came to Crossroads, but when I did I blossomed. I
couldn’t be more grateful for what my teachers and Bridgette have taught me. I
always thought something was wrong with me or that I was crazy, but it was just
my panic attacks that were triggering my impulsive suicidal thoughts. Getting
too overwhelmed was the main cause of of my panic attacks. Bridgette always
helped me adjust my schedule around just so I wouldn't get too stressed. When I
do start to get anxiety or start to have a panic attack, I can always go to
Bridgette to calm me down.
After years of struggling, I wanted something
good to come out of it, and I decided to join Voices of Youth which helped me
learn how to talk about some of my triggers. I joined this group to give all
youth in our community a voice. There are so many people, especially kids,
struggling with depression and similar problems I've struggled with. They have
no one to talk to. They feel alone like I did. Each year at Voices of Youth I
open up and share some of my darkest moments on stage with the whole community watching;
including a lot of middle schoolers. It has a huge impact on me and hopefully a
huge impact on the community as well. I had a young 13 year old girl come up to
me after hearing my story, and she told me about how she was thinking about
killing herself until she heard my story. I helped some young girls feel like
they weren’t so alone. The second year I talked about sexual abuse, and I was
sadly surprised how many people opened up to me about similar situations;
people who were to afraid to stand up for themselves or tell anybody. It's hard
talking about my past but I'd share my story a thousand times if that meant I'm
helping other people. I'd do anything to help people remember they are loved
and that they are strong enough to make it through all the dark times that life
might throw at us. I almost died several times, but that last time when I woke
up I had a whole new perspective on life. Life was all-of-a sudden so precious
to me; I was afraid of death for once. I realized how selfish I would be to
leave all the people who did truly love me behind. How much pain it would cause
them, and how much pain I've already caused him. It took time, but I slowly
started to remember who I was deep down, and I learned to love myself.
